Because I Can (a casual hello)

Well I admit, this is not my regular outlet. I have only recently had the sudden urge to put my thoughts into text displayed for anyone to see. Although that portion of this freaks me out. It is always good to try new things. So where do I start? What do I really want to display? Well for starters, me I guess.

I ended up deleting and revising ten or so sentences that all started with "I am". I didn't find one that I liked and then I realized... What do you describe someone with? I feel to truly understand someone you need to understand where they are in life and what they view as important. My life can be summed up in one simple phrase. Because I can.

This phrase has become more and more important to me in light of recent developments in my mental health. I was diagnosed with a learning disability that prevents me from learning as others do. It is a developmental problem where I don't transfer the information that I hear into instructions that I can understand. I have always have had trouble in school and tests have always been a rough hurdle to pass. In spite of my problems in the classic ways of learning I have learned that Intelligence is not how smart you are but rather how driven you are. In anything that I accomplish, I have to put forth about three times more time and effort than others. This has led to a lot of distress in school but I have learned that I will accomplish what I have set out to do. Even if it takes me a long time to do so.

Shortly after being diagnosed, a friend asked me "So are you happier now that you know?" Yes... and no. It is nice to have the knowledge of why i have been having so much trouble but it will not help the fact that I have so work so much harder for everything that I achieve. Knowing makes me worry that I will disappoint others because they have to keep explaining it to me. Just this week I got back to my summer job coaching volleyball (which I love). This year they made me a head coach. To the normal person this would be a great opportunity to get paid more and have extra responsibilities. Unfortunately this promotion has been nagging at the back of my brain saying "what if you can't understand the drills correctly"... "what if you can't learn the names well enough"... "What if you stutter too much and the drills are not understandable for the girls"... All of these fears can be traced back to knowing about my condition. I can't help but feel so concerned about how my condition is going effect the girls that I coach. Almost to the point that I want to give up coaching so that I don't need to come back as a head coach and take on the added pressure.

So where does this leave me? Well with a lot less confidence and a whole lot more problems and questions that need to be solved. For now all that I can answer to my self is that I can do it. I am my own limitation. I determine my successes, my failures. I have to look to myself to push through the hard times to achieve my goals. Why? Because I can.