When I last spoke on this subject I had repaired the holes in my sails and was swiftly headed towards my goals held up on the winds of confidence. Today I find myself in no such fortune. The wind has left my sails and my compass won't stay steady long enough to give me a direction in life.
It looks as though this semester will fall in line with the other failed semesters. Filled with D's and F's in classes that should be an easy A for any mildly intelligent high school student. How is that possible? You had so much to help you. Well unfortunately for me a lot of help gives off the feeling that I am being smothered with good intentions. I started this semester off with pamphlets and business cards of the people that all claim to be able to help me fix my problems in school. I started out going to disability services that promptly linked me with a note taker for each class, extended test time (that I do not need), reduced distraction filled environment (again I do not need. Actually I find the rustling of papers quite calming during a test.), the request that I get all of my books on audio tape to help me read and a referral to TRIO services in order to obtain a private tutor for all of my classes. This is of course all compiled and sorted out by the cognitive rehabilitation specialist that I meet with twice a week to look at my current performance and try to teach myself how to adapt myself to my mind. (yes the very same mind that I have been living with for the last twenty two years) But for some reason now that I have a documented condition I have a new mind; mind 2.0 if you will.
Mind 2.0 is all about the awareness of self. More specifically, awareness of mind. It is like having an inner dialogue that is constantly making checks and adjustments to your conscious in order to maintain a performance level. This inner dialogue is formed by your understanding of the way that your mind works. Your strengths, your weaknesses. The goals that are attainable, and those that are just out of reach. Then the inner dialouge tells what you what to do (Like taking breaks) in order to make sure that your mind has enough focus to achieve tasks. To simplify, it is thinking about how your mind works and changing yourself to better fit your mind.
For this last semester I met with my cognitive rehabilitation specialist (who we'll call Mr. Mackey) in order to get me to recognize the patters and symptoms of my illness. All of this just to make sure that I get the most of what I study. It started out great where he was helping me to find the holes in my studying and how to maximize the time that I spent with my nose in the books. I learned a lot about how it is not so much how much I worked but how efficient I was during those times that I was engaged in what I was learning. We worked on loads of study strategies and other means to organize my life down to the minutes. It was all very empowering until I started noticing a trend. It seemed that all of the suggestions that Mr. Mackey gave me were bothering me. It was like I felt like I had homework on top of my homework. Just keeping up with the conventions of how to study and what is the proper way to deal with my disability were clouding me so much so that I was worn out by the time that I actually sat down to get my work done. Soon enough I was spending the time that should have been filling the holes in my education on making sure that I had all of my loose ends tied up to show to Mr. Mackey. For some reason I had to show him that I was fine and that I could handle it. Something about first impressions I guess. About half way through the semester I tried to make some suggestions of my own in order to take control of my own study habits. After all, if I no longer hated the way that I studied, maybe I could finally get back on track. Again to no avail. For some reason All I kept hearing was "I like that but..." and "I'm just a bit concerned that...". Those statements were generally followed by the redirection to options that we had talked about previously. Too bad that I had concerns of my own about his suggestions. Not that mine matter; I have no degree to back up my theories.
With a few weeks to the end of the semester I knew that I had dropped the hypothetical ball yet again. I don't seem to look at my test scores anymore. The professor hands it back to me and I shove it in my folder quick enough so that no one else can get a glimpse of all the red markings surrounding all of the knowledge that I had yet again failed to solidify. As we left the room our professor yelled out that the final was comprehensive and that we had better start studying for it soon. Final. The word strikes fear into the hearts of college students everywhere. Not me. At this point I really had no good grades to save. I had no reason to tear through my notes of the last weeks hoping that I can cram in enough information to prove that wasn't BSing my way through the last 4 exams. Judgement day will come and pass, some will move on, but I will still be here. Stuck in my Hell that is general education.
Technicalities first: the writing is rich and is, by turns, wry and incisive. I have enjoyed your metaphors, Mr. Mackey and clever turns of phrase.
ReplyDeleteYours is indeed an onerous cross to bear, and not one that many people recognise easily or want to recognise. It's the Bootstrap Myth all over again, that attitude of "It's working for me, why not for you?" Don't let the Mr. Mackeys of the world get you down, you are remarkable and the greatest evidence of that is this piece right here! Not to mention all the lives you've touched, and all the people who think of you fondly. There are people who wish they weren't quite their crazy selves, but that they were more like you.